Wishes… Aren’t they more than a simple enumeration on a list of to-do’s in order to achieve a momentary state of happiness?
When does the end of a project mean the beginning of another? How can you draw the line of separation between the incertitude and the realism of your own beliefs? And on a separate note, why should I care if anyone would care if for the first time I would actually say things the way they are, for the first time actually write here about the way I feel..
A reference to a Sheryl Crow song would say “It’s not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.” , but I stand here surrounded by illusions of possible futures, or even worse than that, possible presents, all mine, that for some reason are not happening.
A bad day, I’d say, and start humming the old tune getting my friends annoyed for the hundredth time in the last month.. And another one.. Because I can’t get to be pleased with what I’ve got.
A mark of C in Java final, when I successfully failed the driving test, an uncertain future in a catering agency when I almost dropped the plates, (but hey at least I swapped two bottles of champagne without any damage), and having no idea about accommodation from October when I haven’t even started looking for houses..
I am still waiting for my real life to be. And when I say real I mean something else. Anonymous love letters, balloons, movie nights, dates with special ones, they all seem so irrelevant as in the end of the day I don’t feel special at all, I still feel alone.
Maybe I need to be taught some chemistry. Though I wonder could I actually learn.. ?
It’s 24h since I had no sleep, trying to sort out my life in the last minute of a final deadline.. final countdown as Michal would say. Countdown to what? To the moment when I start making new plans.
It’s high time I did that. Buy new lenses for my camera and see a new perspective. Did I lose the dream for the fear of losing it before becoming real? Or are all my dreams just vanity like the TDH that seems to be in my mind all the time now?
“But Oh Romeo, yeah, I just used to have a scene with him….”
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June 18, 2009

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